Falling In Love

PLATONIC LOVE, GUYS, SEX

I saw Paul naked numerous times, but I never saw him with an erection.  I wanted to touch his penis, but he wouldn’t let me.  He was a big scaredy cat about sex.  Paul was a big boy.  6’ 8”?  He was big and tall and blonde, and I noticed him right off.  I was attracted to him as soon as I saw him.  House brothers.  Rackham East house brothers at Principia College.  I wanted to touch his penis.  I think it was circumcised.  It was thick with a big head.  Blonde pubic hair.  I wanted to touch it and watch it grow.  I wanted Paul to get an erection for me.  I wanted to see Paul’s erect penis and see how long it got.  I wanted to see Paul’s big dick.  How big was it?  I wanted to find out how big Paul’s dick was.  I wanted to see it and touch it.  I wanted to masturbate with Paul.  Did he know that?  Did he understand it?

What the fuck!  What did Paul think I was all about?  What did he think about me then?  What does he think about me now?  Does Paul ever think about me?  Does he have any affection left for me?  Maybe he was better off forgetting me, wiping me off his slate.  There was a time when Paul loved me.  I know he did.  We said we loved each other, didn’t we?  Didn’t Paul and I tell each other that we loved each other?  I must have told Paul, or shown him, in so many ways that I loved him and longed for him.  But, I don’t think he really got it until later.  I don’t think he understood the nature of my love for him until after we had graduated from college.  And, when it did sink in, it may have shocked or sickened him.

What did Paul want from me?  What did Paul need from me?  What did our friendship do for him?  I loved Paul, and I wanted him sexually.  I wanted to have sex with him.  I spent the night at Paul’s house in Indianapolis.  We slept in twin beds in his bedroom.  I wanted so much to get into bed with him.  I wanted and waited for him to give me a sign to join him in his bed, so we could lie in each other’s arms.  But, it never came, not even a hint.  I just lied there in the dark, wide awake, and ached for him.

It was difficult for me to understand how Paul couldn’t see the sexuality of my affection for him.  It was hard for me to understand how Paul’s love for me could not be sexual too.  Maybe it wasn’t.  Did he ever get a hard on for me?  Did he ever masturbate thinking about me?  Did he ever masturbate?  We never talked about sex.  I have always been an avid masturbator, so it’s hard for me to imagine that there might be guys who don’t do it.  It had always been my experience that guys who liked me wanted to have sex with me.  I was used to it.  I expected it.  I liked it.  Paul was one of my first forays into love, and I didn’t know how to handle it.  I didn’t know what I was getting into, but I learned that the love I wanted was not platonic.